Assorted Jokes (Sent by Nimrah Khan)

Lady : Is this my train?
Station Master : No, it belongs to the Railway Company.
Lady : Don't try to be funny. I mean can I take this train to Kuala Lumpur.
Station Master : No Madam, I'm afraid it's too heavy.
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Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.
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Once upon a time a woman was walking in the forest when she found a frog in a snare. The frog promised her that it would give her 3 wishes if she released it, so she did. Once the frog was freed, it said,"Theres just one catch... whatever you wish for, your husband will get ten times that."
So the woman said, "I wish I could be the most beautiful woman in the world."
The frog explained that this would mean her husband would be ten times as gorgeous as her - an Adonis to whom all women would flock.
"I don't care, I'll be so beautiful he'll only have eyes for me."
"And for your second wish?"
"I want to be the richest woman in the world."
"But your husband will be 10 times as rich!"
"No, whats his is mine."
The magic frog sighed. "And for your third wish?"
"Well," she said. "I'd like a mild heart attack."
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"I have to have a raise," the man said to his boss. "There are three other companies after me."
"Is that so?" asked the manager. "What other companies are after you?"
"The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company."
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Feeling edgy, a woman took a hot bath. Just as she'd become comfortable, the doorbell rang. The woman got out of the tub, put on her slippers and a large towel, wrapped her head in a smaller towel, and went to the door. A salesman wanted to know if she needed any brushes. Slamming the door, the woman returned to the bath. The doorbell rang again. On went the slippers and towels, and the woman started for the door again. She took one step, slipped on a wet spot, fell, and hit her back against the hard porcelain of the tub. The woman struggled into her street clothes and, with every move a stab of pain, drove to the doctor. After examining him, the doctor said, "Nothing's broken. But you need t! o relax. Why don't you go home and take a hot bath?"
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Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked,
"I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only a kiss a yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, then held it! out teasingly. The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a l ittle old man standing beside her. "Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him ! a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mo od. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly; make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely." On the way home, the husband asked his wife.
"What did the doctor say?"
She replied; "He said you're going to die..."
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Eight-year-old Raveena brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's. However, her teacher had written across the bottom:
"Raveena is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Raveena's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Raveena because I would like to try it out on her mother."
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This man is at work one day when he notices that his male co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." "Yo, Bob, I didn't know you were into earrings." "Oh, yeah. Sure," says Bob sheepishly. "Really? How long have you been wearing one?" .. "Ever since my wife found it in our bed."
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A man receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium-he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"
The man replies negatively. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?" The! man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."
"Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?" "No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays.! During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.
The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.
Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.